Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. Real Programmers can write five pace long DO loops without getting confused. Real Programmers don't need comments, the code is obvious. Real Programmers consider "What You See Is What You Get" just as bad a philosophy for Text Editing as for women. Real Programmers read core dumps. A determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language. Recognizing Real Programmers away from the Computer Room: At a party, they are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. Recognizing Ral Programmers away from the Computer Room: At a football game, be is the one comparing the plays against a simulation printed on 11 x 14 fanfold paper. Recognizing Real Programmers away from the Computer Room: At the beach, he is the one drawing networks in the sand. Recognizing Real Programmers away from the Computer Room: At a funeral, he is the one saying, "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary." Recognizing Real Programmers away from the Computer Room: #5: In the grocery store, he is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time. Objects surrounding the Real Programmer: Listings of all the programs he has ever worked on, piled in rough chronological order on every flat surface in the office. Objects surrounding the Real Programmer: A half-dozen or so half-filled cups of cold coffee, some with cigarette butts floating inside. Objects surrounding the Real Programmer: A line-printer Snoopy calendar from 1969 taped to the wall. Objects surrounding the Real Programmer: Several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars strewn about the floor, of the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so that they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machines. Objects surrounding the Real Programmer: A stash of double-stuff Oreos, hidden in the bottom of the left hand desk drawer for special occasions. A Real Programmer might not know the name of his wife; he does, however, know the entire EBCDIC and/or ASCII code tables. Real Programmers don't know how to cook -- Grocery stores aren't open at three o'clock in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee. Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read, and even harder to modify. Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on manuals is the hallmark of the novice and the coward. Real Programmers don't bring brownbag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell Quiche. A truly outstanding Real Programmer can find bugs buried in a six-megabyte core dump - without a hex calculator. The Real Programmer is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him for what he would normally be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion aloud). Real Programmers, while normally quite stable, need to be sheltered from the follies of the rest of humanity. Even the best are liable to crack without notice when someone points to his off-line terminal and wants to now "what's wrong with my computer", or jokingly pretends to pour coffee through a fan port, or, given instructions to "hit any key when ready", complains to the manager that his keyboard doesn't have the ANY key. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #1 The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #3 Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #5 The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system are the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #6 Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #7 All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise - which is impossible. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #8 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #9 None of the errors was found. Compiler message, Micro Data Base Systems How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a program? Ten. Nine to hold it down, and one to cut its head off. PARKINSON'S LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown - you do not know what you will find. Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology 1) No action is without side-effects. 2) Nothing ever goes away. 3) There is no free lunch. Harvard Law Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
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